At Peace

I can't believe it's been 3 months already. All the details of that day still remain etched in my mind. From the early morning sms to rushing to the hospital. From hearing the last few words escaping from my moms lips and then watching her slip into a coma. Her breathing hoarse and gargling while the water in her lungs accumulates. The unresponsiveness to touch or fervent whispers of love and permission to let go.

Sitting outside the hospital room waiting for what was to come, I realize that it takes a tragedy to bring a family closer together. The comforting words of my girlfriend who's sitting right next to me, trying somehow to find the right words to console and yet just be. Family members and friends crowd the room and hallway unsure of what to say or do.

3.15 comes along and my mother now breathes involuntarily while her mind slips further into a hopefully peaceful coma. The pain is gone, and the natural process takes over, her body shuts down.

8.15 and my mother leaves us with our tears and cries. She can't hear them any more but sees us from above, free at last after months of pain and suffering, free and at peace. We'll never forget that final smile, an effort just for us, to let us know that it's ok now.

The automatic mode i'd been running on for the last few months kicks into overdrive. I start to co-ordinate with my family on what happens next. Getting the death certificate to organizing funeral arrangements. I know I should allow myself to grieve but there will be time for that.

After what needs to be done is over, we head home, silent. We know there won't be much sleep tonight. It's a painful sight for any man to see his father breakdown in pain and sadness. There is no medicine but time.

The next few days are spent at the funeral parlor, mourners and well wishers try their best to console. The slow procession to the crematorium takes it's toll. Tears flow freely and uncontrollably. I try to stay steady on my feet, for what is to come. Nothing could have prepared me though for the moment we are ushered behind to put our quivering finger on the ignition button...

Then... it's over.

Days turn to weeks, weeks into months. And here i am 3 months later. Tomorrow will be my mother's birthday. There will be no cake or laughter, only candles and prayers.

I miss her terribly everyday. The most mundane of little things remind me of my loss.

It hurts but i believe in time healing my still beating heart.

I love you mama. Be free, be happy...