At Peace

I can't believe it's been 3 months already. All the details of that day still remain etched in my mind. From the early morning sms to rushing to the hospital. From hearing the last few words escaping from my moms lips and then watching her slip into a coma. Her breathing hoarse and gargling while the water in her lungs accumulates. The unresponsiveness to touch or fervent whispers of love and permission to let go.

Sitting outside the hospital room waiting for what was to come, I realize that it takes a tragedy to bring a family closer together. The comforting words of my girlfriend who's sitting right next to me, trying somehow to find the right words to console and yet just be. Family members and friends crowd the room and hallway unsure of what to say or do.

3.15 comes along and my mother now breathes involuntarily while her mind slips further into a hopefully peaceful coma. The pain is gone, and the natural process takes over, her body shuts down.

8.15 and my mother leaves us with our tears and cries. She can't hear them any more but sees us from above, free at last after months of pain and suffering, free and at peace. We'll never forget that final smile, an effort just for us, to let us know that it's ok now.

The automatic mode i'd been running on for the last few months kicks into overdrive. I start to co-ordinate with my family on what happens next. Getting the death certificate to organizing funeral arrangements. I know I should allow myself to grieve but there will be time for that.

After what needs to be done is over, we head home, silent. We know there won't be much sleep tonight. It's a painful sight for any man to see his father breakdown in pain and sadness. There is no medicine but time.

The next few days are spent at the funeral parlor, mourners and well wishers try their best to console. The slow procession to the crematorium takes it's toll. Tears flow freely and uncontrollably. I try to stay steady on my feet, for what is to come. Nothing could have prepared me though for the moment we are ushered behind to put our quivering finger on the ignition button...

Then... it's over.

Days turn to weeks, weeks into months. And here i am 3 months later. Tomorrow will be my mother's birthday. There will be no cake or laughter, only candles and prayers.

I miss her terribly everyday. The most mundane of little things remind me of my loss.

It hurts but i believe in time healing my still beating heart.

I love you mama. Be free, be happy...

Of Vigils And Wondering

As each passing week, nigh, each dawning day, ticks on by I remain alert to that dreaded sms or phone call stating that the time has come for a permanent goodbye.

I dare not think too much yet react only swiftly to the heeded call, to hold vigil once more in hope of peaceful release, in terrific agonizing torture of what is yet to come.

As life fades from an earthly body, as heaven jars open its pearly white gates, I hear the faint ominous vibration of the stifled scream forced far below the farce of strength and fortitude that builds the non permeating wall.

Glorious eyes watch over while kindred hearts echo in unison for redemption and peace, in hope of a miracle.

I wait.

What IS love ?

After being tagged by both DQ and Scrumpulicious on this topic, I put forth my blurry eyed views on this vast and yet mostly uncertain subject, Love.

To me love is:-

• That knowing feeling that someones watching over you, when you feel lost and helpless in this world.
• Wanting to still be with someone even after they've let you down and hurt you. (Related to the Love Is Blind Phenomenon)
• Giving up on personal commitments and time to be with there for the person you adore, no matter the time of day.
• Digging deep into your soul and heart, to find strength to endure obstacles that would surely push you over the edge if you'd let them.
• That first time feeling of being with someone on a date, even though it's been over 4 years.
• The comfort you feel when someone calls just to see how you are doing today.
• Being honest even though it may hurt someone you care about.
• Having offers of help rejected and still wanting to be there even though your silently hurting inside.
• Still thinking she's pretty even though she feels she's made a huge mistake with her new hair style.
• Taking someone as they are, faults and all.
• A helping hand to a stranger or animal in need.
• What's lacking in this world governed by greed, power and corruption.
• A husband/fathers unconditional devotion and care towards a dying wife/mother.

I'm pretty sure I'll remain a hopeless romantic for most of my life, but nevertheless let me share this with you :

'Love Hurts - You can not ever have Love that doesn't hurt, because to truly love means truly opening your heart to risk of pain, rejection, disappointment and sadness. But to endure all this means your ready for True Love someday.'

Thats it for me.

I tag hmmmm ah yes : Gutterflower , Cerebral Ramblings and Tinkerbell

Stay Tuned...

A post will follow. Patience.